I've been nearly impossible to be around recently. My hormones are taking over. I mean Taking Over. I'm not me at all for full moments...sometimes several in a row. I'm slowly learning that, during one of these moments, it's not so smart to pick up a phone to call someone or answer when someone calls. It's no even smart to think too hard or open my mouth because there's just no telling what will come out. Seriously. I'm not surprised that Jake hasn't thrown up his hands, waved the white flag or whatever because he's not that type (and what kind of relationship would that be anyway) but I wouldn't have blamed him if he had.
I know I'm going through some sort of transition - trying to decide who I am for the first time in a long time - but what a bad time to decide that such transition needed to take place. I can't tell which thoughts are really my own and which are purely hormonal. But at the same time I'm excited about exploring myself a bit more. I'm quite like a parasite, really, and tend to take on the form of my host. I bend myself to those around me - particularly significant others - too easily. Look back through my music collection there are more artists there that were liked by me merely because someone else liked them first. Sure, people can turn you on to things - books, music, movies - but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about not having likes of my own for periods of time. It's strange really. The Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel and Elvis Costello - they belong to me and only me (well, and every one else but you know what I mean - in my group, I liked them first).
It isn't just music, of course - that's just the easiest example.
I've inadvertently stopped taking one of my meds recently. I take Wellbutrin in the morning with my other pills but I constantly forget to take my Celexa at night. I tried setting my cell phone alarm but it went off once and never again (I named the alarm "Crazy Pill") but I should make another effort to get that to work and start taking it again - anything to talk down these hormones, I tell you. I started out taking just Celexa but it made me unbearably tired so my doctor put me on Wellbutrin as well. I thought it was doing a fairly good job by itself but I've obviously been prescribed the other for a reason (although I'm not really sure why) so, you know, taking it might be a good idea.
Anyway, I'm off to Charleston, South Carolina on Thursday with my parents to visit my brother for his thirtieth birthday. It'll also be the last time we travel there for awhile as he's going to move to Virginia Beach here in a couple of months. I love Charleston (Pat Conroy was mine first, too) and am looking forward to getting away for a few days. Between my hormones and my fairly shitty financial situation my stress level is awfully high. For me at least. But I'm going to journal and lay on the beach and crochet and read and get really, really tan. And that's it.
I took tomorrow off as well and have a silly long list of things to finish before I see Jake comes over. For one, I'm finally getting my car back. I don't think I ever mentioned that I was rear ended a few weeks ago. Yeah, I was. My car's been in the shop for a week now. I've got pictures to post, a couple to develop and buttons to talk about. I've got to make corn hole bags for my brother. Laundry. Cleaning. Cutting my hair and doing up the eyebrows and other such girly things. Packing (light, I said, but I've already added several shirts to the modest stack of t-shirts that should have gotten me through a four day trip). I want to finish the cute little toast handbag that I started the other night. I've got half of one slice - the butter free side - left to finish. I want to gather a couple of other projects to take in the car. And I want to be finished by seven - ready to walk out the door - so that I can relax on the couch with Jake, eating pizza maybe and watching Carnivale. It's going to be really weird and kind of icky to go five days without seeing him.
Oh, last night was so nice. I have really young, new neighbors and they were outside. Normally I would have found this insanely annoying but one of them had a guitar and there was more playing and singing than laughing, talking and generally being loud on a Monday night at midnight. I hated to finally go to bed. I especially liked the slow, acoustic version of "Hey Ya" - I'd seriously like to have a recording of that. So while I'm not a fan of groups of loud people standing under my window, smoking and talking, late on a school night...I wouldn't mind it as much if there was more guitar.
And now it's nearly Wednesday. Time to go to bed, I guess.
*Elvis Costello (of course) from Get Happy (1980).
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