Marriage

Jake and I have been talking about marriage.

No, no, not like that.  We've just been talking about it - emailing really - as merely a topic of discussion.

I'm not typical.  I think there might have been a time when I had little girl dreams of big weddings and white dresses but I can't remember for sure.  I do have a purple folder where I, years ago, saved an unusual invitation and a small handful of creative snippets from magazines about place cards, cakes flowers and dresses (this was shortly after this wedding, I think, while I was still living with Nate and thinking a wedding was probably in my near future).  My favorite piece features two flower girls in deep purple and bright pink tulle skirts, each wearing a silver paper tiara - like a princess ballerina. 

Anyway.  Jake doesn't really believe in marriage.  In fact, his first was common law (which was acknowledged in the state he moved here from - we haven't had it in Ohio for at least fifteen years or more).  Today he wrote, "Getting married doesn't mean much to me.  Being married, on the other hand is huge." I responded with, "To me, getting married is part of being married.  They just go hand in hand."

But why?  It's got me thinking - what really is so important about exchanging vows  and a piece of paper?  It makes me doubt myself because it does seem a bit silly but...it's what I want.  And, as I said, I'm not looking for a big wedding.  Instead I want something small, outdoors - maybe even in my parents backyard.  I want to be married by a friend (something interesting: I recently found out that my dad was ordained for a friend's wedding years ago - long, long before they ever did it on Friends) and walk down the "aisle" to something completely unexpected. I don't want a white dress with beads and a train - I want a simple summer dress and bare feet.  I'd elope if I didn't know that my parents - who did elope and were married by the justice of the peace - would like me to have a wedding of some sorts.  So it's not the wedding.  It's not the glamor and the day that's all about me. 

Standing up in front of my friends and family and making a commitment to someone means something.  I want to be Mrs. So and So.  I don't think I'm all that traditional but that's one tradition I can't do without.

Honestly, maybe the fact that common law marriage isn't recognized in the state of Ohio is one reason why I'm having trouble with the idea of not actually getting married.  When you live in Ohio you have to get married to be married and it's been that way all of my adult life.   

This isn't an argument or a hot topic by any means nor do I feel like I have to defend what I believe (especially since it's pretty much the norm) - like, I said, it just has me thinking.  I'd love to hear other opinions.*  What do you think?  Are you traditional?  Do you feel the need to Get Married and why or why not?

And now I should really wash off the face mask I've been wearing for the past two hours and get myself into bed....

*Elizabeth: I know we talked about this recently and I tried to find that string of emails because you said something I liked and wanted to quote but, unfortunately, no amount of gmail googling could bring it back up.

Comments

[Bertha]

I'm with you. I didn't want a "Wedding" at all, but I wanted to be married for sure. My husband is the one who wanted the big wedding with all our friends/family. I wanted to get married on the beach in Key West, ALONE, and then come back home and have like a casual BBQ or something like that...we ended up having the traditional wedding my husband wanted, but it wasn't huge or lavish so I was fine with it. Since it was important to him, I went along with it...it's not like I was against weddings, I was just ambivalent, so why not do what he wants? Same thing with you and Jake. If he's not against marriage, it's just not important to him one way or the other, why not do it, if that's what's important to the other party? I hear what you are saying about the whole "why does a piece of paper make it any more meaningful" thing, but I dunno, it just kind of...does. To be legally bound to someone...it's a security thing for me. Even though I know Matt loves me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me, I am a very insecure person and I felt a huge amount better once we were married. I know I shouldn't have needed that, we lived together for 5 years prior to that and our families didn't pressure us or anything...but we wanted kids and while I would never judge or care about anyone else who chooses to have kids out of wedlock, it's not what I wanted for my family...I would feel anxious all the time if I had a baby and we weren't married, knowing he could just leave us at any time...not that he would, and not that he couldn't still walk out even though we are married, it just makes it a little harder I think. I think it makes you a little more likely to try and work things out rather than if you are just living together with no legal obligations. OK, that was really rambly and I am not sure if I got my thoughts across correctly, but yeah, even though I am extremely liberal, I am pretty traditional when it comes to marriage and family in my own relationship. Whatever anyone else wants to do is 100% cool with me, but for me personally, official marriage was the right choice.

[Elizabeth]

Hey, I fwd the email thread that I think you wanted. If it's not the right one let me know and I'll search again.

Also, I would've responded sooner, but bloglines is being stupid.

[Elizabeth]

Oh and I never answered your questions. I'm pretty sure you know how I feel since I was married by the justice of the peace and (as etiquette dictates) threw a party that was directly in line with my usual entertaining style. Which means I had a full bar and all our friends came over and we partied our asses off. I didn't need the big, fancy dress or the full-scale wedding, but I did need that paper. (And the ring. Love the ring. heh.)

[close englishman]

Growing up, I always thought of marraige as the natural progression of life: adolescence and awkward insecurity, young adulthood and overconfidence, followed by adulthood and level-headedness and eventually marraige. Once you left school, you focused on career and you met your significant other somehow in the process. My dating life since I graduated really hasn't reflected that, but I don't think that's your point. As I've gotten older, my idea of what marraige is to me has evolved. If I were involved with someone and I felt like I wanted to feel confident that she was going be around everyday for the rest of our lives, I suppose I'd feel like something was missing from our relationship if we didn't get married. I've always felt that was what marriage was: a mutual agreement that we'd be for eachother through whatever life held, good and bad. Bottom line: will you regret it if you don't go through the ceremony, whatever form it may take?