I stopped at Trader Joe's expressly for charcoal and laundry detergent but walked out distracted and unable to take care of the fact that I'm nearly out of dishtowels. Distracted to silliness by a man.
There he was in the frozen foods aisle - I saw him as soon as I walked in. The much older man, an attorney if I remember correctly, I had a schoolgirl crush on a little over a year ago. Or rather, it seems, the man I still have a crush on. He's just beautiful - the perfect mix of grey in his black beard and a style that I've never seen anyone else get away with. I've seen the man out in a cowboy hat and boots, for Pete's sake. And his charm. Sigh. He's the type of man who kisses your hand and pulls it off - there's nothing cheesy about this man. Even when he wears a beret and I've seem him wear one often. The last time I saw him, he kissed my hand and since I was a little buzzed, I stood up on my tip toes, pulled him closer and, in turn, kissed him on the lips. He was shocked and I was too...but not until a few minutes later when I turned to the Wednesday night bartender and gushed, "I didn't mean to kiss Mr. X!" She replied, "Well, why wouldn't you?" I wasn't the only one smitten with his charm obviously.
He's friends with an old bar friend of mine and I hung out with them a couple of times when I was going through my "going to the bar alone" phase right before I started dating Jake. I remember one Wednesday night when he and I sat at the bar alone. I was thrilled to no end and blushed happily when his friends showed up for a few minutes - like even anyone thinking we were together (even in a clandestine fashion) was better than nothing at all. And I remember that he stayed with me while they moved on. Beautiful, just beautiful.
Anyway, there he was - in a beautiful camel colored coat and jeans. So handsome. And then there was me. Freshly showered, hair wet, make-up-less, wearing black running capris, a bright blue t-shirt with a robot on it and pale blue flip flops. Top that off with the pounds I've gained recently and I didn't feel like I could possibly smile and say hello. So I made my way to the charcoal via the side aisle, rounded the corner...and there he was at the end of the frozen foods aisle, just inches from the end display of charcoal. I lowered my head and looked in the other direction as I snatched a bag and hurried past him, only taking a moment to admire his hands (oh how I love a man's hands). But I watched for him as I stood in line and got a few last glimpses before I left.
It was so lovely to see him but I really wish I was at a point in my life where I could have spoken to him. I don't feel good about myself much right now. Like I said, I've gained weight because I'm in the Don't Care phase and that same phase makes me skip the whole make up thing or the dressing to look and feel good thing. Give me clothes that don't restrict and less time in the bathroom, thank you very much. I just don't care.
I think it's the realization that my life is on hold until the lease runs out on this apartment and I can move on. It's heartbreaking and I wrote a whole post about it a couple of days ago which promptly locked up as soon as I started to add a photo. I was just too drained to write it again and don't feel much like going into into it now either. I just need to realize that I can't put my life completely on hold, though - I can't hibernate in an unhappy body for another five months. It's time to stop eating pretty much constantly and maybe to take a walk after work (it would at least be some form of alone time, too). To wear something that makes me feel good (which might mean a shopping trip some time in the near future, Ginny - I might need a little pick me up). To put on make up and walk with confidence because I want to be happy with me even if I'm not happy with everything that involves me at the moment.
You know I'm there for ya babe!
Posted by: Ginny | 07/04/2008 at 03:05 AM
Oh Emily - I've only seen you the way you are now, but lady, I think you're super cute! however, I understand the weird feeling you get when you realize someone hasn't seen you in years. For as many times as I tell myself I'm ok with the way I look, there are just as many when I realize how terrified I am at the idea of seeing people I haven't seen in the past 4 years or so - I've just gotten so chunky monkey since then!
Oh, and older men - especially ones with beards, and especially ones who wear hats - really rock my boat too!
Posted by: Chris | 07/04/2008 at 03:09 AM
The fact that you know, that you can recognize, is such a monumental achievement. So much damage can be done before people figure things like this out. You'll make it. You will.
And, aside from the beret, I think I have a crush on this man, too!! HOORAY FOR HANDS. . .
Posted by: Kim | 07/04/2008 at 06:03 PM
Only a part of your life is on hold - where you live. Nothing else. Everything else - do, go, buy, see, play.
I agree with Chris, you are super cute. Always. Never seen you anything else but cute. And witty. And clever with a crochet hook.
Posted by: dharma | 07/05/2008 at 02:47 AM
Emily, I so feel for you. I know we have only been blod buddies, but I feel like we have a connection and I totally know how you feel.
Your post was so beautifully written, it brought tears to my eyes. I am going through the same thing and I have avoided a lot of people because I have the same problem, I don't care.
The best part is that you recognize and want to make an attempt to change it for yourself.
You are so so talented and way cute, take care of yourself.
P.S. (I know you love these) My man is 15 years older than me. I know about the older guy thing! LOL!
Posted by: Mary Kay | 07/06/2008 at 06:33 PM