WIPs & Some Insecurity

The wrap is coming along so beautifully - I've never been more happy (or deliriously in love) with a knitting project.  Thanks so much, Delly, for recommending the pattern.

I think I have about six more repeats to go which seems like a lot but it goes so amazingly fast.  I hope to have it finished by next weekend - at a repeat per night that should be pretty doable. 

   

Matt leaves for a week vacation in Cornwall tomorrow morning and, for some reason, I keep thinking this is going to mean I'm going to just have scads of extra time to do things like finish the wrap.  If he actually lived here that would probably be true but seeing as how there are those pesky four thousand miles....  

I actually will have a little extra time because we talk about an hour or two each night and even though I'm sure we'll - hopefully - talk daily, it won't be for hours.  But it's not like I'm going to be able to finish unpacking my apartment, finish three knitting projects and make a list of things I'd like to do on our Adventure for our Wine, Browsing & Making Plans date when he gets back just because I'm going to have a few extra hours.  These are all just things I'd really like to get done, though, I guess. 

 

I've never Really Blocked anything so, thank goodness, Ginny has agreed to help me out.  I can't wait to see what it looks like when it's blocked.  Thinking about using the wool wash I bought at the Wool gathering last weekend kind of makes me sad, though, because I keep encountering this tiny bits of hay that I just find really sweet considering that the yarn came from his mom's farm. 

I took a little break from the wrap last night though and cast on the Holding Hands, Feeding Ducks (Ravelry link) pattern with the Malabrigo Ginny gave me for my birthday.   I took a picture with it upside down because - at least at this time of day - I think the star stitch shows up much better.  I tried actually flipping the photo but...it looked kind of weird. 

I wasn't familiar with the song by The Brunettes that the pattern is based on but watched the video last night and loved it.  There's even a hippo! 

Last night Matt and I also made plans to feed the ducks while I'm there.  Ducks are kind of special to us, I guess, not only because they're one of his favorite animals but also because I've called him from at least three different duck ponds in the area (nice places to escape when I couldn't stand being anywhere near The Asshole any more). 

I hope we're holding hands while we're feeding the ducks.  Last night I brought up my complete and utter fear of a lack of physical attraction between us.  Well, I sort of brought it up.  It's really hard to talk about without talking about it but I didn't feel like I could come right out and say, "I'm afraid I'm not skinny enough.  I'm afraid I'm not pretty enough."  He can say I'm a kind, beautiful person that he loves spending time with me as much as he wants - I'm still going to stress over what I look like.  And it's not like he could say anything to make me feel better other than the fact that what worries him is my safety and that I have a good time which means he isn't worrying about the physical attraction.  I wish I could do that.

Even though I've lost a couple of pounds recently and normally feel pretty good about myself, these circumstances are so incredibly different.  We know each other really well - moreso, I think, than if we lived in the same city - but until you're in the same room with someone it's really hard to say how you're going to feel.   It's funny, though, that this feeling is completely one sided - as in I'm not worried at all about not being attracted to him.  That should tell me something and that something is not to worry about it.  It's not like I can do anything about it - losing a few more pounds isn't going to make a difference because I am who I am.  I just need to step off that plane with complete and utter confidence (who looks good after an eight hour fight anyway) in myself because that's the best I can do and that's pretty good. 

Comments

[Mary]

I love the patterns you chose and I hope that you realize that you are a pretty and caring person.

[Ginny]

Emily, you are such a beautiful person on the inside and out. Matt knows that already and that's why he cares about you. Trust me I know about wanting to weigh less or look different, but your relationship with Matt is already more special than to be contained in such physical ideas. Smile, be confident and enjoy every second you are with Matt.

[Lisa]

Wow! I can't believe how much the wrap has grown! It's gorgeous.

Ginny said everything I was going to say - much more eloquently too! Damn her. You're beautiful Emily. Just lovely and he's going to think the same thing. I promise :)

[Bertha]

1. The wrap looks gorgeous.
2. You are gorgeous.
3. You'll be fine.

[dharma]

You are delightfully sweet, have deep, soulful eyes - that alone makes you beautiful.